Remember, Partner?
by Reno DeWitt
Summary: It's been six years. Six years and still searching for closure.


Disclaimer: I obvious don't own Reno or Rude or the Turks.

 _Been away for a long time. Maybe this is my inter-explanatory material, maybe this is just how I'm beginning to cope with the fact that I lost everything I lived for. Well. Fuck, it's both, I guess. I know. I have to stop second guessing everything I do. That's what I do without you. I repeat myself, I second guess what I do, I find a pattern and I just stay in it. Work, Bar, Sex, Leave. It's a cycle. My life has become a cycle. Can you believe, babe? Me. I live in a rut now; I'm content in my rut, my trench. I don't have to climb out and risk getting shot at again. A lot of people try to get in this rut and I think I let someone in. But he's a quiet guy, he doesn't say much. Going through what I went through when you… He's in a bad way and I was promised a permanent job if I helped him. So I did what I had to._

 _That sounds like the old me, doesn't it? Doing what I have to._

He sat in his chair, hand rubbing through his hair, eyes closed as he just felt his fingers brush through his strands. Searching for any bit of comfort he could find. It wasn't the same. Of course it wouldn't be the same, he knew that. A low growl left his lips as he stood and crossed to the window, faintly hearing his boss in the shower. The window had been boarded up with wood too thick to allow a bullet in. If you were the richest criminal in the city, you'd think you'd invest in bullet proof glass. Not these guys, though. Reno reached behind, scratching the back of his neck as he watched the influx of customers come and go. He worked for the largest porn industry in the western hemisphere. He should be happy about that. Yet, he was sullen. Funny how spilling your guts did that.

Somewhere, he was aware of the shower being shut off, of his boss coming out of the bathroom, but he was still surprised when he saw the reflection of his employer walk across to the bed, dressed in nothing but a towel. With just the towel, Reno could see the bit of a baby bump starting. A transgendered, pregnant, rich porn director and brothel owner, whose husband recently went missing. Fuck, this was everything Reno ever wanted in a business to work for, but he was still… Hurting.

Realizing he was staring, Reno averted his gaze back outside the mirror, ignoring the reflection as the man dropped his towel on the bed, unashamed of what he lacked, unashamed of anything about him. Reno was watching again, despite just telling himself not to. He couldn't help it; because he saw scars. Even just in the reflection, Reno noticed signs too similar to his past. And before he could stop himself, he turned around, looking at his boss with a concerned frown. Mainly because it was stirring memories in himself he hadn't thought about in a long time. For good reason. Buried memories were buried for a reason.

"Can I help you, Reno?" The crisply soft voice asked, and Reno blinked, returning to where he was and realizing that his boss had pulled on a flannel, but nothing else. Judging by the size, it was his husbands.

Clearing his throat, the red head shook his head, returning to the desk and his laptop. Both of which had been provided to him by the Howlett family. "No, sir. Didn' mean ta stare, yo."

"What are you working on?" He asked, coming closer, but Reno quickly shut the laptop, forcing the scantily dressed man to draw back slightly. It didn't take much to realize that it was about his late husband, and Mr. Howlett let it go.

"Now that you're done purging, you need to eat, sir." The tone was teasing, sarcastic and slightly biting. He had been informed that his charge would be borderline anorexic, and would have to constantly remind him to eat. And if he didn't, he had been told to use force.

"Trying to get rid of me?" The dark haired man mused, but he acquiesced, knowing he needed to force himself to eat if he wanted to take care of the children growing inside his womb. Reno's sarcastic remark was drowned out as Mr. Howlett pulled a pair of jeans on, waving lithe fingers at his guard before he left the room to go to the kitchen. Watching him go, Reno felt a stab of… something. A familiar ache, seeing the man in a state Reno had been so accustomed to several years prior; without a husband, only living because someone else demanded it. Hiding how much pain he was in with playful comments that never really made it across as playful, just quiet and sad stabs at comic relief.

Alone again, Reno slowly opened the laptop, setting his phone aside so he could see it go off as well as hear it. A deep breath and he started typing again.

 _I don't know where you are, I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's to find some little solace in reopening this wound that you left me with, babe. Maybe. See? There I go again, guessing again, not sure if I'm sure, or just fucking insane. Fuck, I used to thrive on being insane, do you remember? It's been six years, babe. Six years and hundreds of guys between that because… I don't know why. Maybe I'm hoping that you'll get jealous wherever you are and come back and beat the shit out of me for being so stupid, just like before. Do you remember, babe? How angry you'd get when I started being a class A asshole? And then you'd throw me against the nearest wall, didn't matter if we were in the office or out on a mission; when I snapped at you, you snapped back. And it worked. We worked._

His fingers stilled, eyes falling shut as a memory forced its way to the forefront of his attention.

~/Twenty Five Years Ago/~ "This is _not_ how you solve problems!" Rude growled, voice low and dangerous as his hands fisted in Reno's collar, slamming him against the wall so hard, he might have given the smaller man a slight concussion. He should have been more concerned with that, but it was something they could fix if it became a problem. Right now, Rude was too pissed to do anything but hold Reno against the wall, four inches off the ground. And Reno was too deep in his cups to fight back. Not a good place for a Turk to be, on or off the job. Luckily this was just off a job, which gave them another four days of down time before Tseng called them back into action. "You got a problem with me, you fucking take it up with me, you don't call me up in the middle of the night and order me out to watch you fuck the first guy you see."

"Got your attention, didn' I?" Reno drawled, even in his lucid state, he was still able to pull off that too knowing smirk, like he somehow still had the upper hand on his partner. Rank aside, they were on equal footing, and Rude needed to constantly remind the younger man of that. Remind him that he wasn't just a replaceable partner thrown at him. "Fuck, Rude, wouldn' hafta go to such lengths if ya jus' came home with me, yo."

"I am _not_ just another partner to fuck and force out, Reno."

"I didn't _say_ you were."

"Your reputation precedes you; I was explicitly warned not to get involved with you." Rude slowly let him down, Reno's ponytail caught on the brick and being dragged up as his body was dragged down. "Not outside of what is professionally acceptable."

"I was told the same thing, yo. Didn't stop me an m'last four partners." Reno hummed, and Rude was beginning to question just how drunk he actually was. Didn't seem like at all; like he had just faked the last hour and a half. Of course he fucking did. A grunt and Rude lifted him up again, giving Reno less than two minutes on the ground. "Fuckin' hell, Rude! Put m'down, yo."

"I am not just another partner." Rude said again, voice a rumble. Maybe Reno was a little drunk, talking in noncommittal circles, anything to avoid the real topic, anything to avoid actually facing one another. Finally, Rude had had enough of that. "What do you want?"

"To be put down."

Retaliating to the sarcasm, Rude lifted him further up the wall, arms almost completely extended as he held the thinner agent up as if it were nothing. "Why did you call me out here?"

The red head whined, the heels of his shoes scratching at the wall, but he wasn't fighting as hard as he could, they both knew that. If Reno really wanted to get out of this, he'd have Rude on the floor. But he didn't. He wanted to be punished. And they both seemed to realize that in the same step, Reno's pale hands clamped around Rude's darker wrists, blue eyes crashing with brown.

"What do you want, Reno?" He asked again.

"You, partner." ~\\\~

 _Don't got a partner. I refuse to ever have a partner. No one gets to have me look at them and call them partner. That was you. Only you. Fuck, babe, it hurts so bad without you here. Six years and you'd think I'd be able to move on. You'd think maybe there would be someone else around for me, but there's not. And fuck, no, I'm not looking for anyone else. Maybe that's a problem._

 _Fucking fuck, I did it again. I told you, I'm not doing well without you. Still the same ol' sarcastic asshole I always was, but there's no depth to it. It's just me throwing up this huge fucking wall to protect me from the outside world. A wall that use to be you. You protected me. Fuck, and all I wanted was to return the favor. How the fuck do I fuck that up? Somehow. I'm fucking me, so of course I'd find a way to fuck up what I wanted. Life isn't hard. I have a job, the pay is great, benefits even more so, the action is nonstop, so I_ _ **should**_ _be happy, right? But I'm not. I won't be, I can't be. It's like my ability to even comprehend happiness began and ended with you._

 _And her…_

~/Seventeen Years Ago/~ They weren't parents. They were Turks, they killed people. A lot of people, they didn't preserve life, they didn't help orphans. They recruited them. That's what they told themselves for months, whenever they saw couples with a kid walking down the street, and they'd look at each other, then spend that night convincing each other they were always going to be a childless relationship.

The Director had other plans.

Reno stood, rubbing his bleeding knuckles as he looked around the condo. Their targets had been killed, now they were just doing a quick walk through, gathering up everything they needed: blueprints, intercepted messages, cash. Raiding the study, Reno left Rude to take the rooms on the second floor. He didn't think much of hearing his name called, Rude probably just found something he needed help moving, he'd get to it when the study was completely combed.

"Reno." This time his voice was more persistent, and the red head, sighed, dropping the notebook to poke his head out of the door, gripping the door frame to lean without falling.

" _What?"_

"Get up here."

"M'busy-"

" _Reno_."

Fuck, Rude was using _that_ tone. With an annoyed sigh, Reno let go of the frame and half fell into the hall way before he swiftly caught himself and tromped up the stairs, not sure what Rude was so insistent on. But when he turned into the room Rude was in, he certainly hadn't expected to find a crib in the corner of the room. The light eyed man felt his shoulders sag despairingly. "Fucking dammit…"

"What do we do?" Rude grunted, arms folded roughly across his chest as he glanced into the crib. A little baby girl lay there asleep, completely unaware of everything she just lost. "Tseng didn't say a damn thing about there being a kid."

"Which means she's not on our hit list." Reno sighed, perhaps a little too relieved by that. Too many children had died at his hands. His phone was fished out of his pocket, contacting Tseng for further orders. And he was presented with options, none of which he ideally liked, but some of which were lesser evils. He read the options off to Rude as he was told them. "Leave the kid. Bring the kid in and give her to the science department. Bring the kid in and give her to the Investigation Sector of the General Affairs Department."

"Who gets her if she comes to our department?" Rude was peering into the crib, still debating what to do.

Hanging up, Reno shoved the phone in his pocket. "Three guesses who, partner." ~\\\~

 _Oh_ _ **fuck**_ _I fucked up so bad. I lost you and I lost her in almost the same breath, how the fuck am I still here? I still don't know how I managed to get through the last six years. I left ShinRa, they let me go without a fuss. Guess they figured you an' her were enough compensation, probably thought killing me would have been a favor. And fuck yeah, it woulda been. So the sick sons of bitches let me go. Now I'm in some other city, doing protection detail, maybe an assassination here and there when money is really tight. I don't know why I even have an apartment, I don't stay in it. Last time I probably stayed in it for more than ten minutes was three weeks ago. Been sharing beds with strangers every night. Coming back to that sad little apartment and getting new clothes, then I'm off again, not to see the place for another twenty four, maybe forty eight hours. Guess it all depends on what I accidentally get on it while I'm working. Or drinking. But I guess that can count as working. It's something I do, not something I really enjoy. Anything to just numb the back of my head so I can fall asleep. Fuck so I can feel something again._

 _I'm sort of dysfunctional right now. Sure you'd get the biggest fucking kick out that. I fuck a lot of guys, babe, I really do. I don't come though, can't finish and I don't know why. Used to piss me off, thought my body was shutting down that part of me and that's not fair. That's how I cope. Now it's just a fact. It's not something I do. I can get hard, yeah, but I can't ever finish. Maybe you'd like to know that, maybe you're looking down on me like I'm a sad sack of shit. I don't know. I just don't know._

Reno hung his head, arm curled around and running along the nape of his neck before clutching at his hair. Shivers rocked his body as he sobbed silently, unable to hold it back anymore. It hurt to breathe, to move, to do anything. He shouldn't have drudged up all of these things.

 _It hurts, babe. It fucking hurts. Thinking about what we did. How we were._

~/~ A flurry of moans, Reno pressed against the wall, head turned to the side as he panted. His hands were on the door, keeping himself steady. Darker hands covered his as his partner grunted with each hard thrust inside of him. ~\\\~

~/~ His hands shook as they cupped the back of his neck, head rested on the table. He wasn't crying, he wasn't going to cry. But the mission had been too close, a lot of innocents had died, Rude was almost shot. The shaking worsened at that thought, and Reno tried to bury the shaking digits in his hair, but Rude was behind him, catching them in his big hands and leaning over to kiss the back of his partners' neck. A silent promise that he was there. ~\\\~

~/~ Laying on the couch they had in their shared office, mission had been long, no sleep, he was exhausted. Rude came in with food, he could vaguely smell it, but wasn't about to leave the spot he was in. There was a low sigh and then the soft pat of footsteps drawing closer. Reno didn't open his eyes until he felt the weight on the couch, Rude climbing in behind him and wrapping a protective arm around the smaller man, lips once against pressed to his shoulder. They slept like that, not caring who came in and saw them entwined. ~\\\~

~/~ Conversation. Their boss had come in. Reno only smiled, tongue still swirling around Rudes cock while Tseng asked where Reno was. And Rude, always loyal to his partner first, answered simply. "He's not available." The bald man sounded far too casual about that, and Reno deep throated him, wanting to hear that shiver in his voice. Fuck, Rude was always hard to get a sound out of. ~\\\~

~/~ He rubbed the black ring on his finger, watching as the ivory band spun every time he moved it. A smile pulled at the edge of his lips and he looked up in time to see Rude tucking his ring into his under shirt, attached to the chain. Not like Tseng didn't know what was happening between them, not like Tseng had any power to stop what was happening between them. But they still had a reputation to uphold and no one could know that the partners were each other's weakness. It had been one hell of a honeymoon. ~\\\~

~/~ They sat together, legs dangling off the edge, watching the sun set. Both of them dressed up in bandages, both of them with aching limbs and gunshot wounds. They just sat there, leaning against one another, taking solace in each other's presence. Reno's hair whipped in the wind, pony tail blown over his shoulder as his head rested against his husbands' shoulders, sighing softly as he fell into a peaceful doze, fingers of their usable hands lacing together. ~\\\~

 _I miss you, Rude._


End file.
